Getting feedback at year end always makes me uneasy, even when I know there is no reason for me to be worried. I always have a lingering fear in the back of my mind that maybe I missed something important in the course of the year. Of course, my recurring nightmare is that I have to take a final in school after not going to any classes all year long so perhaps this is all just part of being a Type A personality.
Regardless of my annual anxiety, feedback is gift. Even if you do not agree with what someone else says about you, when someone shares their perspective with you, you get new information with which you can grow or make decisions.
This post walks through some of the best practices on giving and receiving feedback. McKinsey & Company spends months training its employees about the right way to handle feedback. One of the highest rated classes at Stanford Business School is Interpersonal Dynamics, which is essentially an entire course devoted to giving and receiving feedback. Clearly, no blog on succeeding in corporate America would be complete without numerous discussions of feedback.
Giving Feedback
My years at McKinsey drilled into me that the best format for giving feedback is as follows:
“I observed that <insert an specific example of behavior.> The impact that this had on me is <describe the impact on you using descriptions that apply only to you.> In the future, I would suggest you <insert a description of what the person should do differently.>”
I have come to appreciate McKinsey’s feedback model. Articles on best practices for interpersonal communication talk about a concept of “staying on your side of the net.” What this means is that feedback does not work when you try to tell someone how they feel or what they were thinking.
For example, if I told my team member, “I hate it when you think I am going to say the wrong thing and you interrupt me,” I am implying that I know what my team member is thinking. How can I really know that she thinks I am going to say the wrong thing? For all I know, she has a hearing problem and she interrupts because she does not hear me. And, by starting the conversation with my team member with an assertion of how she feels, I likely make the conversation more contentious and emotional than it would otherwise need to be.
A better way to approach the situation is to say, “I notice that you have interrupted me several times lately, specifically in this morning’s manager meeting and last week’s operations meeting. The effect it has on me is that I feel ignored and irritated.” In this approach, I don’t assume how the other person is feeling. I keep to my side of the net.
A second best practice for giving feedback is to have the right mindset going into the conversation. Ideally, you are calm and caring when you deliver feedback. If feedback is delivered in the heat of an emotion, it can diminish the feedback’s impact. If the person receiving the feedback feels like you are not invested or do not care, they may have a hard time believing your feedback or taking it as seriously as they otherwise would. It’s always a good idea to prepare your feedback in advance and take a few minutes before the conversation to get into the right mindset.
While McKinsey (and Stanford) did a great job of training me on how to give feedback, the issue that I struggle with now is if I should deliver feedback when none is asked for and, when feedback is not positive, how to deliver it in a way that does not leave a team member feeling demotivated.
Feedback when none is requested
While I have never had clear rules articulated to me about when to offer feedback when it’s not requested, I have worked out some strategies that have worked for me. One, if I am really upset by someone else’s behavior and I have to work with that person on an on-going basis, I share the feedback in an effort to keep the relationship strong. Two, if there’s a situation where I think I could offer feedback that would help someone and it’s appropriate, I ask the person if they would like feedback.
Most of us have probably had an experience when someone we work with is clearly upset or angry in response to someone else’s behavior, but does not say anything directly about their feelings.
For the most part, if you are visibly upset by someone else, it is likely a good idea to say something to that person if you will have to work with that person again. If you are upset and people notice it, but you say nothing, you risk coming off as passive aggressive. Even worse, when you are upset about something but are trying to suppress the feeling, that irritation or strong feeling will likely bubble up in strange ways. A wise mentor once likened it to trying to hold an inflatable ball under water; you can push it down but the more force you apply, the more likely the ball will shoot up into the air in some strange direction.
That said, if you are really upset try not to offer feedback in the moment. As discussed earlier, feedback is best offered in a calm and fact based manner. I find that when I’m really upset, I need to wait and then practice the feedback with a third party. A neutral person can help you deliver the feedback more effectively (and help you see the parts of the situation that you caused yourself!)
Another time to offer feedback even if it’s not asked for is when you believe could help someone else and have enough of a relationship with the person that you feel comfortable asking, “Would you like some feedback?”
Receiving feedback
Feedback is always helpful. At best, it is an insight about how you can do something better. At worst, even when you disagree, it helps you understand how someone else feels about you. Perception is reality for other people, so understanding their reality gives you more information that you otherwise would not have.
When you agree with or are open to the feedback you receive, it’s easier to explore it with the feedback provider in the moment. Always thank the person giving you feedback, and hopefully you can ask clarifying questions to better understand any parts of the feedback that you do not understand.
If you disagree with the feedback, thank the person for sharing the feedback and ask if you can think about it before asking clarifying questions. Continuing a discussion when you are upset is rarely productive and you run the risk of saying something that you regret.
Take some time to consider the feedback after the conversation. You can even ask others if the feedback resonates with them. Not all feedback is good feedback; it’s always helpful but it’s not always something you need to accept as true. A few things to consider when you are deciding what to do with feedback:
- Who is providing the feedback? If the feedback is from someone who does not have influence on your career, it’s easier to ignore than if it comes from your manager.
- What part of the feedback do you disagree with? Depending on how the feedback is delivered, you may want to probe for specific examples or you specific advice on what you should do differently going forward. If the feedback provider did not use a best practice feedback template, it may help to ask questions that put the feedback into that template.
- What will you do differently, if anything, based on the feedback you are hearing?
If it’s important that you follow up on the feedback (e.g., it’s a manager or someone whose opinion you care about), than schedule a time to follow up and ask questions to clarify elements of the feedback you disagree with. The goal is not to change the other person’s opinion, merely to clarify your understanding.
At the end of the day, if the feedback is from someone who controls your career than you have to decide what that means for you. There have been times in my career where I disagreed with the feedback and decided to change jobs because I realized that the feedback my manager was giving me meant that they did not believe in me the way I believed in myself. In retrospect, the feedback I disagreed with was very helpful in that it allowed me to see how my manager at the time was thinking.
In summary
Feedback is a gift. Look for ways to share feedback as freely as possible. Practice will improve your ability to give feedback over time, and most people feel appreciated and known when you spend time trying to help them. It’s also helpful to receive as much feedback as possible, so showing others that you are open to it and receiving it gracefully will ensure you receive as much feedback as possible.
Here are some other good articles on feedback if you are interested in reading more:
