Core Skill Building

Getting feedback at year end always makes me uneasy, even when I know there is no reason for me to be worried.  I always have a lingering fear in the back of my mind that maybe I missed something important in the course of the year.  Of course, my recurring nightmare is that I have to take a final in school after not going to any classes all year long so perhaps this is  all just part of being a Type A personality.

Regardless of my annual anxiety, feedback is gift.  Even if you do not agree with what someone else says about you, when someone shares their perspective with you, you get new information with which you can  grow or make decisions.  

This post walks through some of the best practices on giving and receiving feedback.  McKinsey & Company spends months training its employees about the right way to handle feedback.  One of the highest rated classes at Stanford Business School is Interpersonal Dynamics, which is essentially an entire course devoted to giving and receiving feedback.  Clearly, no blog on succeeding in corporate America would be complete without numerous discussions of feedback.

Giving Feedback

My years at McKinsey drilled into me that the best format for giving feedback is as follows:

“I observed that <insert an specific example of behavior.>  The impact that this had on me is <describe the impact on you using descriptions that apply only to you.> In the future, I would suggest you <insert a description of what the person should do differently.>”

I have come to appreciate McKinsey’s feedback model.  Articles on best practices for interpersonal communication talk about a concept of “staying on your side of the net.”  What this means is that feedback does not work when you try to tell someone how they feel or what they were thinking.  

For example, if I told my team member, “I hate it when you think I am going to say the wrong thing and you interrupt me,” I am implying that I know what my team member is thinking.  How can I really know that she thinks I am going to say the wrong thing? For all I know, she has a hearing problem and she interrupts because she does not hear me.  And, by starting the conversation with my team member with an assertion of how she feels, I likely make the conversation more contentious and emotional than it would otherwise need to be.

A better way to approach the situation is to say, “I notice that you have interrupted me several times lately, specifically in this morning’s manager meeting and last week’s operations meeting.  The effect it has on me is that I feel ignored and irritated.”  In this approach, I don’t assume how the other person is feeling. I keep to my side of the net.

A second best practice for giving feedback is to have the right mindset going into the conversation.  Ideally, you are calm and caring when you deliver feedback.  If feedback is delivered in the heat of an emotion, it can diminish the feedback’s impact.  If the person receiving the feedback feels like you are not invested or do not care, they may have a hard time believing your feedback or taking it as seriously as they otherwise would.  It’s always a good idea to prepare your feedback in advance and take a few minutes before the conversation to get into the right mindset.

While McKinsey (and Stanford) did a great job of training me on how to give feedback, the issue that I struggle with now is if I should deliver feedback when none is asked for and, when feedback is not positive, how to deliver it in a way that does not leave a team member feeling demotivated.

Feedback when none is requested

While I have never had clear rules articulated to me about when to offer feedback when it’s not requested, I have worked out some strategies that have worked for me.  One, if I am really upset by someone else’s behavior and I have to work with that person on an on-going basis, I share the feedback in an effort to keep the relationship strong.  Two, if there’s a situation where I think I could offer feedback that would help someone and it’s appropriate, I ask the person if they would like feedback.  

Most of us have probably had an experience when someone we work with is clearly upset or angry in response to someone else’s behavior, but does not say anything directly about their feelings.  

For the most part, if you are visibly upset by someone else, it is likely a good idea to say something to that person if you will have to work with that person again. If you are upset and people notice it, but you say nothing, you risk coming off as passive aggressive.  Even worse, when you are upset about something but are trying to suppress the feeling, that irritation or strong feeling will likely bubble up in strange ways.  A wise mentor once likened it to trying to hold an inflatable ball under water; you can push it down but the more force you apply, the more likely the ball will shoot up into the air in some strange direction.

That said, if you are really upset try not to offer feedback in the moment.  As discussed earlier, feedback is best offered in a calm and fact based manner.  I find that when I’m really upset, I need to wait and then practice the feedback with a third party.  A neutral person can help you deliver the feedback more effectively (and help you see the parts of the situation that you caused yourself!)

Another time to offer feedback even if it’s not asked for is when you believe could help someone else and have enough of a relationship with the person that you feel comfortable asking, “Would you like some feedback?” 

Receiving feedback

Feedback is always helpful.  At best, it is an insight about how you can do something better.  At worst, even when you disagree, it helps you understand how someone else feels about you.  Perception is reality for other people, so understanding their reality gives you more information that you otherwise would not have.

When you agree with or are open to the feedback you receive, it’s easier to explore it with the feedback provider in the moment.  Always thank the person giving you feedback, and hopefully you can ask clarifying questions to better understand any parts of the feedback that you do not understand.

If you disagree with the feedback, thank the person for sharing the feedback and ask if you can think about it before asking clarifying questions.  Continuing a discussion when you are upset is rarely productive and you run the risk of saying something that you regret.

Take some time to consider the feedback after the conversation.  You can even ask others if the feedback resonates with them.  Not all feedback is good feedback; it’s always helpful but it’s not always something you need to accept as true.  A few things to consider when you are deciding what to do with feedback:

• Who is providing the feedback? If the feedback is from someone who does not have influence on your career, it’s easier to ignore than if it comes from your manager.
• What part of the feedback do you disagree with? Depending on how the feedback is delivered, you may want to probe for specific examples or you specific advice on what you should do differently going forward.  If the feedback provider did not use a best practice feedback template, it may help to ask questions that put the feedback into that template.
• What will you do differently, if anything, based on the feedback you are hearing?

If it’s important that you follow up on the feedback (e.g., it’s a manager or someone whose opinion you care about), than schedule a time to follow up and ask questions to clarify elements of the feedback you disagree with.  The goal is not to change the other person’s opinion, merely to clarify your understanding.

At the end of the day, if the feedback is from someone who controls your career than you have to decide what that means for you.  There have been times in my career where I disagreed with the feedback and decided to change jobs because I realized that the feedback my manager was giving me meant that they did not believe in me the way I believed in myself.  In retrospect, the feedback I disagreed with was very helpful in that it allowed me to see how my manager at the time was thinking.

In summary

Feedback is a gift.  Look for ways to share feedback as freely as possible.  Practice will improve your ability to give feedback over time, and most people feel appreciated and known when you spend time trying to help them.  It’s also helpful to receive as much feedback as possible, so showing others that you are open to it and receiving it gracefully will ensure you receive as much feedback as possible.

Here are some other good articles on feedback if you are interested in reading more:

• Some intersting research by Harvard on giving feedback to peers here.
• Some additional steps to consider in the feedback process here.

There is quite a bit of research documenting the benefits of gratitude.  Exercises where people consistently think about three things they are grateful for at the end of every day have been shown to permanently increase a person’s happiness.  Generally, increasing the time spent contemplating your blessings creates more meaning in your life.  

There are a number of other ways that increasing gratitude in your life can help. Specifically, gratitude can be a great way to build relationships at work.  It can be a tool to help you claim credit for your hard work without making you look selfish or like you are not a team player. Gratitude can also be a tool to help you you get things done.

This post will describe how to put gratitude to work in your life and career in ways that are less commonly discussed, but hopefully equally beneficial to some of the more researched outcomes associated with practicing gratitude. 

Grateful relationship building

Building positive relationships with co-workers is one of the best things you can do to increase your chances of success at work.  You never know who you will need a favor from, who will get the next promotion, or who will have that piece of critical information that helps make your project more successful.

While there are all kinds of ways to build relationships, one of the most simple is probably one of the least used: taking the time to thank the people you work with for the things they contribute.  When is the last time you took the time to write a note to say thank you to the following people (something more than a passing, “Thanks,” in the hallway):

• The IT person who mans the call center 
• The Head of HR at the end of benefits enrollment
• The Executive Assistant who helped you get an important meeting scheduled
• The Marketing person who put together a new part of your organizations website
• The colleague who went out of their way to stay late to finish something they were working on for your department

Taking the time to write someone a thank you email, and potentially copying their boss and your boss, is a fantastic way to build relationships.  Most of day-to-day business is problem solving, and the more senior a person gets the more they are likely dealing with problems all day; the happily resolved issues don’t get escalated.  When someone sees an email or note that is proactive and positive, it makes a lasting impression.  

Find ways to thank people for their contributions when they are meaningful to you.  An authentic thank you to anyone in your company will always be a way to start building a relationship.

Thankfully taking credit

There’s a fine line between making sure you get credit for your work and being seen as bragging.  For women, that thin line is even more difficult.  If you talk about your accomplishments all the time, you’re not a team player. But if you don’t talk about what you have accomplished, it often goes unnoticed if a sponsor or someone else doesn’t speak up.

Enter the carefully crafted Thank You note from stage left to help address this dilemma.  Whenever you have finished a big project, achieved an important milestone, or completed a goal for the year, send a thank you note or better yet, send multiple thank you notes.  Thank all the people who helped achieve the outcome: your peers, your team, and the sponsors who made it happen.  Make sure to copy other people’s managers.

In thanking people for helping with the project, you get all of the relationship building benefits mentioned earlier AND people will see you as the leader of the project.  People will associate you with the accomplishment.  You will have effectively shared your success while being a team player.

Reciprocally grateful

One of the most common questions I get is how to build relationships with people who are more senior than they are. Reciprocity is a great tool to create and build relationships; it’s essentially the innate instinct in humans to reciprocate (a.k.a. show gratitude.)

There’s a famous study where researchers sent Christmas cards to over 500 people picked at random from the Chicago phone book.  Over 20% of people sent Christmas cards back even though they had no idea who had sent them the original card.  

Think about what you can offer someone you are wanting to build a relationship with.  What interests does that person have? Are there projects at work that they are passionate about? Do they lead any internal initiatives? Do they have children? I have found that most people are delighted to discuss their kids.

Once you understand what someone is interested in, ask yourself how you can help. What can you offer? Can you organize an event that will further an internal effort they are working on? Are there books or articles relevant to that person which you could read and summarize for them? 

Going to someone with an offer of how you can help solve their problems is always going to be well received.  Most executives spend their days solving problems; I practically cry with joy when someone comes to me with a solution.  And of course, then I’m only too happy to reciprocate which is how relationships are built.

In summary

The best thing about gratitude in the workplace is that there is almost always a way to express sincere gratitude to the people around you.  Gratitude is a win-win; it makes you feel better and it makes everyone else feel better.  The fact that it can also help you be recognized for your work and help build relationships are just additional benefits for which we can be thankful.

Maybe I am alone in this, but what to do about gifts in the office during the holiday season is something that makes me anxious each year.  I want my team members and support staff to feel appreciated, but I do not want them to feel like they need to reciprocate.  I am never sure who to include if I do go the route of office gifting; how far down in my organization should I go? And then there is the question about what to do for your boss or other senior people in the organization: what could I get them that they could possibly want even if I want to do something nice?

As an employee and a boss,  I personally never expect a holiday gift. (And I always feel less anxious when I remind myself of this fact!) Different people have unique holidays that are celebrated in many ways, so no one should feel bad deciding to do nothing.

That said, a little gift or thoughtful card at the end of the year can go a long way.  One executive I worked with recounted the story that one of the other divisions of his company sent him a bottle of champagne at the end of the year with a personal note thanking him for all his help.  The executive commented that when that division asked for help the following year, he made sure to help them even when he didn’t have time to help other divisions with similar requests.  I’m sure we all have similar experiences that reinforce this concept; a little thoughtfulness today can pay big dividends down the road.  And if you happen to love the holidays like me, it’s fun to bring nicely wrapped gifts to the office and add a bit of festive excitement to the office for a day.

For those of you who want to do something more at year end, I have compiled a list of proven ideas and best practices grouped by cost to help you think through your options.

Zero budget gift ideas

Sometimes giving someone your time is more valuable than a gift.  Writing someone a hand written note about all the things you have appreciated about them this year or what you have learned from them in the past year may be the best gift you can give regardless of cost.  Research by Psychological Sciences found here shows that people universally “undervalue” gratitude. Recipients value these letters often more than material gifts, so don’t be shy about putting pen to paper for the people who have helped you and made an impact. If you feel like writing isn’t your strong suit, there are plenty of ideas to get you started online.  A few examples are included here.

Low cost gift ideas ($2 – $5 per person)

A nice holiday card goes a long way. The CEO of the company I work for sends everyone at our company (which is more than 4,000 people) a personal holiday card with a picture of his family.  I love receiving it every year and am always touched that he wants to reach out to each employee.  I am equally touched when my team members include me on their holiday card list.

Moderate budget ideas ($15 – $30 per person)

An easy gift idea is to send people fruit boxes.  Places like Harry and David almost always have sales around the holiday and the box of fresh pears like the ones featured here is a perfect office gift.  I usually do fruit instead of wine or alcohol because some religions prohibit alcohol and you never know who might have a problem with it.

A second easy idea is gifting people a book that you choose.  Books could be about a business related topic (there are some great compilations of the best business books here and here.) It could also be a fun book unrelated to work (perhaps a book about something that interests your colleague or a best-selling autobiography.)  

If you want to do something a bit more creative (and are willing to put in a bit more legwork), one of my favorite gifts for my direct reports and colleagues was a “NYE in a Box” gift.  I bought 10 basic gift boxes on Amazon and filled them with all sorts of New Year’s Eve treats: NYE glasses, mini bottles of champagne, party horns, chocolate, and party poppers. 

Cost is no object ideas

While spending too much on an office gift is probably a bad idea, there are some great gifts that fall into the $50 – $100 range.  One gift that is always a winner is the gift of food; sending a pre-made pie or cinnamon rolls that only need to be put in the oven are always appreciated (although they typically require knowledge of a home address.)  Other winning ideas include bouquets or wreaths to help decorate a house for the holidays, a family game or puzzle to use when spending time with relatives, or something “techie” like an Amazon Spot or Echo.

In summary

I hope some of these ideas have been helpful. If nothing listed here works for you, an old fashioned google search will no doubt yield many other ideas during the holiday season.  Please share any winning office gifting ideas you have used or are considering or have received; communal input is always appreciated.